The Parent’s Job
Tue., March 11, 08:59 AM
The task of a parent is to teach her child to get along without her. It always boils down to just that.
Consider something simple: your child is learning to walk. You hold his hand until he has the confidence to stand alone, and you stand ready to catch him if he falls. But your ultimate goal is that he walk by himself; you cannot hold his hand forever.
A mother teaches her child to function in the world around him. You have to do it, as much as you would like to protect him. Making excuses for him is never doing him a favor, because the rest of the world will not accept his excuses and what does he do then? If your child is handicapped in some way (just handicapped, not totally disabled – I’m not politically correct), he can still learn to function. I’ve written about deaf children who learn to live in a hearing environment.
Rules – rules of your home, school rules, governmental statutes – are made in the hopes of establishing the best environment for the most people. Even if you believe there is something wrong with the rule, you have to understand how it works, or its intent, before you can begin to change it. And so you will teach your child to obey the rules.
There are some things that can’t be changed, and your child has to know it. It gets dark at night whether he likes it or not. (Be glad you can just flip a switch, rather than having to build a fire!) What you throw into the air will fall down – and maybe it will break.
Last week I was reading John Rosemond, a child psychologist who has some strange ideas but occasionally comes up with a gem. He wrote that the child must learn that he is responsible for his actions and that he must accept the consequences. Rosemond also believes that a well-behaved child is a happier child, and he may be right. A child who is not obliged to fight his parents all the time is free to use his imagination for other things.
Of course, you can choose your battles. For example, if your child is fortunate enough to have his own room – with a door – you don’t have to insist that he keep his room clean. Mother just closes the door; don’t look. The consequence: if he doesn’t put his toys away, maybe he can’t find them when he wants them. If he leaves a toy out in the walkway, it may be stepped on and broken. Don’t replace it! You help him once or twice, and then it’s his responsibility.
When you tell the child he can’t, it gives him a reason not to try. Tell him he’s stupid, and it doesn’t matter if he’s too lazy to think. I recently heard of a new psychological disorder: ODD. That’s Obstinate Defiant Disorder (or something like that). What we used to call a brat. And the ODD kid tells his teacher, “you can’t make me do that. I have ODD; my mother says so.” Is that an excuse for the child, or for the mother?
You have to explain to the child, whenever possible. (And repeat it if he doesn’t get it the first time.) As the child gets older, he will understand more, and you can even go into the what-ifs. Furthermore, you can’t let the other parent undermine you, so you have to explain it to him too.
It’s not always perfect. Nothing ever is. If I had pushed Husband more when the kids were little, he might have an easier time now. He still thinks I’m out to get him.
