Judgmental, Me?
Sat., November 30, 02:07 PM
A co-worker had a story to tell – you could see she was dying to share it – but she hesitated to tell me because I would be “judgmental.” I was surprised, because I never thought that described me. Opinionated, sure. (You may have noticed.) But judgmental? And if I am, what’s wrong with that? It’s a stupid person indeed who hasn’t gained some wisdom over the years.
Actually, I try not to be judgmental about most things, and in particular I try not to judge what I don’t really understand. There are some things I really won’t tolerate, such as >bullies or blatant stupidity.
In our area there is a movement (and a committee with all the attendant publicity) to punish – severely – any police officer whose actions result in the death of a suspected criminal. The committee was formed by the mother of a man who was shot by a cop. (The officer evidently shot him because the suspect threatened to shoot him.) It has come into the spotlight again because of a similar situation where the suspect, a participant in a fight, ran onto the highway and was killed by oncoming traffic. Certainly, I sympathize with any parent who has lost a child, particularly in a violent way. What they’re forgetting is that in both cases, the suspects had broken the law. I want to say to that woman, didn’t you ever teach your child to be polite to a policeman? Common sense should tell you that you don’t mess around with someone in authority.
My values, formed by my parents’ teaching and the opinions of teachers over the years, as well as by reading and observation, are a very important part of what I am. The problem is that you can’t hold another person to your values. Even your children will not accept all of your values, although you do your best to teach them – or at least, to persuade the children to think about forming their own.
Here’s her “hilarious” story. You can decide whether you’d be judgmental about it too.
The previous week she had gone to a bar for a couple of drinks and a little socializing. She picked up a cute guy, and took him home with her. They had sex and then they went to sleep. He was gone when she woke in the morning. But he had forgotten to take his vest, a very nice leather one – probably quite expensive. Well, she could phone him so he could come and get it, except she couldn’t remember his name. (That was the “funny” part, the part she couldn’t wait to tell.) The vest didn’t fit her, so she gave it away.
I didn’t say a word, although I imagine my face said plenty. She wasn’t a kid; in her mid-forties, she was older than I. Divorced for several years, she was not being unfaithful to any significant other. It’s her own life, to do whatever she wants. But I thought then (and still think) that it was a damned fool stunt. Not because it was “immoral” or lacked self-respect; that’s none of my business. Did she ever think how dangerous it was?
She knew absolutely nothing about him. He could have been dishonest and robbed her then, or waited to come back and really taken everything of value from her apartment. He could have been a crazy person, who enjoyed hurting people. He might have been contagious. I assume she used protection, but there are diseases other than sexually transmitted ones. Is it worth it, just for a quick roll in the hay?
What she did was wrong; above all, it was wrong because of the risk involved. Her children did not live at home; the older one had her own place, the younger one was in college. She was not putting them in harm’s way. Nevertheless, they would have suffered had she been injured. An adult considers the people around him as well as himself.
After twenty years, I’m still disgusted to think of it. I came to the conclusion that I would have been wrong to tell her what to do, because I’m not her mother. There’s a fine line here. On the one hand, it’s none of my business, especially not to go around correcting my elders. On the other, if I’m responsible for the people around me, I have an obligation to air my values and opinions. I speak my mind more often now. Besides, it’s seldom I can find an elder to correct, so that’s no problem any more.
